Thursday, February 18, 2010

What am I doing with my life?

And more important, what's the point? In conversations with friends and colleagues I've found that I'm not alone in throwing my hands up in into the air pleading with God, "What am I supposed to be doing here? What's my life's purpose?"

I don't really know. For the most part, I think that I'll long for whatever path I didn't choose. If I shoot for a  "creative" (read: low paying) lifestyle doing work I'm passionate about will I wish I did work where my salary was high enough to afford my crazy lifestyle and all of the cool adventures I've always wanted to try? Is it more important to work for money or something you're passionate about? Is it a cop out if you take the path of least resistance while your mate does all of the heavy lifting? Is it a slap in the face to the career oriented women who paved the way for us to really do anything we want to do?

If I invest my life solely into child rearing, will I feel regret for letting my hard earned technical edge and corporate career fall by the wayside? Do I even have the mental stamina to have my career, wants and desires be second to a man's as he'd become the sole provider of the household? Will I go crazy at home with the kids and as a PTA-only mom? If I try to excel in my work and try to be the primary parent will I ultimately be suckass at both? If you try to be superwoman and be good at everything, will you really become overloaded and then good at nothing? Is it too much to want to have kids, do work you love, have family time, you time, relationship time and a husband who makes dinner most nights?

Seriously, these are heavy weight considerations to which there are no right answers. But right now it feels like I'll always want the life I didn't choose. You know that bullshit dilemma. Not that I'm saying I want what's on someone else's plate, I just want two big ass plates when I make my way through life's enormous buffet. Gaaaa.

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